Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
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The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Me :
All Day At Night
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
look at me when i’m typing to you
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
plant them where lol
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I didn’t realize that was an option