You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
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I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Stop.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I am also baked goods
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”