Writing, She Murdered.
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The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
TODAY
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
is it earth
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.