Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

Canadian owl: Eh?

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

they finally got him. they got macavity

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL