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I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
old twitter is back baby
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no