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REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Plant care tips
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Same post same
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart