You are not alone 💚
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Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly