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God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.