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My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I want to meet the individual who made this
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Worth the read.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Body by cheese-puffs.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.