you are not alone. theres bugs

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I’ll never call a radio station because I’m afraid they’ll give me tickets to go somewhere and do something.


“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”


“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]


There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.


[during sex]
elon: say the thing
grimes: ugh
elon: please?
grimes: *sigh* omg babe your submarine is waaaay too big for this tiny cave


Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.


Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope


[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know