you are not alone. theres bugs

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I can explain the casting for Thor. Norse mythology describes him as a “hauntingly beautiful blonde lady”


why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE


I’ve had about 13 beers so I guess I’ll give myself a haircut


I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.


Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?


“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog


Me at 13: I don’t understand why old people are so cranky

Me at 43: oh


[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo


Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”


Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.