My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
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To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?