@dasani_bottle

you are not alone. theres bugs

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@Bagyants

I can explain the casting for Thor. Norse mythology describes him as a “hauntingly beautiful blonde lady”

@IamEnidColeslaw

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

@mattZillaaaa

I’ve had about 13 beers so I guess I’ll give myself a haircut

@stacywawa1

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

@mompsychologist

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

@AmberTozer

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

@Divergentmama

Me at 13: I don’t understand why old people are so cranky

Me at 43: oh

@noitsgary

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

@hadafewbeers

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

@mortimermaiden

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.