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You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.