You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
You Might Also Like
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.