You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
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Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
for all #parents out there
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Had an epiphany today.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid