“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
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oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.