“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
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*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.