“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
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[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
If only.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
This made me chuckle.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.