“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
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[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Bro what is this
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.