You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
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yeah nice try. not falling for that again
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead