Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs

do you know what they all have in common?????????

eggos

they eat all my eggos

Every time

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

No.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now