Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.