Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

“Theirye’re” problem solved

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.