@robwhisman

you are so much more than your diagnosis. bipolar disorder is something i have. i am NOT bipolar. my aunt is NOT lung cancer. lou gherig is NOT a good third example

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@1MeLrO

It’s not burnt.
It’s carmalized!

Me every time I burn something.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

@jdforshort

Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.

@gerryhallcomedy

Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces:

Your car got paint on my keys.

@stephpaulus

Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.

@huntigula

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

@LlamaInaTux

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

@Tmoney68

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

@brennadine

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

@DrunksWithGuns

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.