[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
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Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Only short people can save us
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.