Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.