“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
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I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.