“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
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Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
So that’s what we looked like?
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Interior design 👌
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off