“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
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“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
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FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Finally
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.