“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
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The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain