You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
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‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
How all things should be taught/explained.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.