You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
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Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
He-man has a Masters degree
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.