The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
You Might Also Like
Good advice.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
A family that plays together cheats.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?