You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
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At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
He wanted to make sure😂
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?