You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
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On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.