You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
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Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
A REAL smart phone would know when to shut up.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.