Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.