You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
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Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here