Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.