You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
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My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.