You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
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“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger