You are what you delete.
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Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Livid.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
⛄️
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
technically true but not a great slogan
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
jesus, what did this guy do
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
