Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.

But it’s harder to deter gents.

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

Tremendous stuff

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

A small tragedy.