“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
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My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
honestly, i need both:
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!