“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
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[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go