Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

lol

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!