“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
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Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.