Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.