You are what you eat! (If anyone needed more encouragement to eat the rich.)
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Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit