“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
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Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.