“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
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She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?