Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.