You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
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Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Its true…
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]