Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

so weird how every mom was born today

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

😂😂

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN