Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.