You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
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People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
me in a relationship:
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
*fills out form*
*clicks “send me a copy”*
email: *dings*
me: ooh what’s that
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.