You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
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me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
My background check bounced.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
constantly working on myself.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.