You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
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ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
“what that mouth do?” complain
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.