You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
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Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.