You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.