You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
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When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.