You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.