You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

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[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.


Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.


[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?


ME: oh no


It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.


Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.


I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.


I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…


*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.