Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ha.

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

“OK men, spread out.”

“Oat?”

“What?”

“Spread oats?”

“Spread out.”

“One oat?”

“Dammit.”

Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.