Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

my New Year’s Eve plans:

– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks