“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
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My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas