You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
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[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
called in thicc to work this morning
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.