Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.