You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
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Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
#DesignFail
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
these two trucks have the same bed length
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Britain be like
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.