You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
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You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.