you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
You Might Also Like
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over