you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
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No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Spoiler Alert: I was late
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die