You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
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Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
A game married people play.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.