You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
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Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.