Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

Truth

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh