Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

I unironically love this joke.

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

Time heals everything 🙂

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.